This Life Becomes All That You Want It To
by LeighKelly
Summary: A series of glimpses into the lives of the Lopez-Pierce family as Annie and Marisa grow up and Santana and Brittany's marriage withstands the test of time. Sequel to Beautiful Life.
1. Chapter 1-Settled In

After both Annie and Marisa were enrolled in school full time and Show Your Brave had finally reached its largest potential yet, becoming a staple in twenty-seven schools across New York City, Brittany and I decided it was time for me to get an office outside of the house. As much as I enjoyed the freedom of working at home while they were little, by the time Annie was in fifth grade and Marisa was in first, we'd both realized the necessity of me having my own space. The adjustment was hard at first, but I was only a phone call away, and that made it easier for me.

Brittany had made so many changes at the studio, even leasing a bigger space for increased enrollment, so things were good on her end. The girls were thriving, our marriage was thriving, and I was in a place where I'd fully recognized my own worth. Though I'd only been working in my new office for five months, I'd made it my own and was glad every time one of my sixty mentors stopped by to see me and fill me in on the progress they were making in their respective schools. Holly and Jarrod were still with me, I was still working myself at four schools and I saw that we were going to continue to expand and make a difference.

Like I did every day at 2:45, I left my office and made my way down the block to PS 41. I knew that in another year and a half, when the girls were in different schools, I would have to figure out a new pickup routine, but for the time being, I loved going to Marisa's classroom to get her and then meeting Annie in the lobby. Though it had only been four years since I'd picked Annie up in her first-grade classroom, it felt like our lives had changed immensely up until I did the same for Marisa and every day, I thanked the powers that be that all of our changes were good changes.

"Mami!" Marisa cried out from her seat when I appeared at the door, shoving her book in her backpack and running to greet me. "You're never going to believe what happened in _the Boxcar Children _just now!"

All the way downstairs, Marisa chattered about her book. Anxious to keep up with Annie, she was reading before she started kindergarten and before the start of first grade, she was devouring chapter books at a pace Brittany and I could hardly keep up with. Like she had been as a baby, she was smart as a whip, and though she was much more social than our Annie, more often than not, we found her with her head buried in a book.

"Hi Mami!" Annie grinned happily when she saw us, though she scrunched her body to keep it from coming in contact with the other students that crowded the lobby. "Hi Baby Reese."

"Nee Nee!" Marisa scowled, still using the nickname she'd given Annie as a baby. "You can't call me Baby Reese at school, I'm a big girl now."

"Well you're still my baby sister." Annie hugged me, then Marisa and Reese wasted no time slipping her hand into Annie's for our walk home.

Both girls knew that once we walked in the door, it was time for a snack and then homework so they situated themselves at the table with their things while I sliced apples and took the jar of peanut butter out of the cabinet. Annie was only a few years away from being a preteen, so I savored every moment with them at the table, not looking forward to the days where my little ball of sunshine was sulky and withdrawn. Of course, I wasn't sure it would happen with Annie, Brittany had always been so involved with her family, but still, I wasn't taking any chances.

"Mama is coming home early tonight girls, it looks like we're in for some snow."

"But Mami." Marisa whined. "If it snows then I can't go to the library."

"I don't think we have to. I stopped at the library on my way to work this morning and picked up the next three _Boxcar Children_ books for you, so you'll have plenty to read in the snow."

"And that means we get to stay home from school." Annie sighed dreamily.

Though she did well in school, Annie didn't like to go. She much preferred to be in the safety of her own home where she didn't have to worry about being called on without raising her hand, being teased—though Brittany and I were always on it with the teachers—and having to navigate through hoards of kids who made her nervous. Marisa, on the other hand, loved it. She was constantly raising her hand, insistent upon getting every single answer right. And Brittany and I, well, we were craving a snow day, one day where we could just forget about work, light a fire and cuddle in our pajamas all day.

After I helped Annie with the math homework I dreaded and listened to Marisa complain that her homework was for babies, the girls went upstairs to their rooms for a little while and I started dinner. Since it was so cold outside, I started making beef stew and just as I had gotten everything in the pot, Brittany came in the house, snow on her coat and eyelashes.

"Smells good in here." She came into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around me. "Looks good in here too."

"You're always trying to charm the pants off of me." I teased.

"Doesn't take much."

"Hmm, we'll see tonight."

"Oh, you can count on it. How was homework?"

"Marisa is still complaining that it's too easy. We need to revisit her teacher talking about her skipping second grade. She's so far ahead, Britt."

"I know." Brittany pursed her lips. "I just worry about the social aspect of it."

"If it were Annie, I'd say absolutely not, but it's different with Reese. She loves school and I don't want her to get bored with it because it's not challenging her."

"I'd rather leave it up to her, if you're okay with that."

"Babe, I'd never not give her a say."

"I know that." She kissed me softly. "Sorry, it's just been a long day."

"Anything I can do?"

"No, being home is enough."

"Good, go say hi to the girls, take a shower, relax. When you come back down, I'll make you a cup of tea."

"I love you, you know."

"I do, and I love you too."

When Brittany went upstairs, I continued working on dinner and had a cup of tea ready for her after she came down from her shower. The girls joined us at the table, telling us about their days and drinking seltzer as we had our tea. I loved when Brittany came home early, when we had more time alone as a family and I knew that the three of them loved it too.

After dinner, I helped Marisa with her bath and Annie took a shower, getting ready for bed. Because Marisa was so interested in reading her own books, we never did books at bedtime any more, but Brittany and I tucked her in and told her she had a half hour before lights were out and she had to put her book down. The snow was coming down pretty heavily outside and I figured there would be no school in the morning, but we still wanted her to go to sleep at her normal bedtime. Annie got to stay up later because she was older, so she came in our room and we were ready to talk to her, like we always did at night.

"Mami, I have a question." Annie looked down at the bed and Brittany and I shared a look of concern.

"Go ahead, _corazoncita_." I encouraged, taking Brittany's hand.

"How did you get hurt?"

The question hit me hard in my chest as she looked at my scars. I always knew that the day would come where she asked and I was reminded of the time when she was four years old and we talked about my scars. Back then, it was easy enough to just tell her that sometimes people have scars, like her scar from when she'd been pushed in preschool, but at ten-years-old, that answer just wouldn't cut it anymore. She wanted real answers and despite a decade of preparing, it was still hard to make the words come out.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me." She whispered, looking away from me.

"Sweetheart, it's a lot for Mami." Brittany said softly, understanding how deeply this would impact me.

"It's okay, Britt. And Annie, we've told you so many times, you never have to be afraid to ask us anything."

"I know, but you never talk about it and I think it was really bad."

"It was." I nodded. "But I'm okay now."

"I'm glad you're okay, Mami." Annie hugged me and I pulled her into my arms. She was still so slight for her age and her presence was still a comfort to me, even as she grew.

"Remember how we've talked about my foundation and how some kids have trouble being queer?"

"Yeah, like when Vin got kicked out of his house."

"Exactly. Even today, when queer people have a lot more rights than they used to, there are still people out there who don't believe we should be allowed to exist. And there are people who are willing to hurt other people for who they are and who they love."

"Someone hurt you because you love Mama?" Her eyes widened and Brittany put her hand on Annie's back.

"Someone hurt me because I am a lesbian." I took a deep breath. "He didn't believe that I had a right to exist and when I was leaving work one night, he found me on the street, dragged me into an alleyway and cut my throat. That's how I got the scars. He left me there to die and because Aunt Rachel was worried, she sent Uncle Finn to find me and he saved my life."

"But…" Annie's lip trembled. "How did he know where to find you?"

"He went to my job and he kept calling my phone. He heard my phone ringing in my pocket and…I was there." I choked back a sob and I could see regret for asking written all over Annie's face. "It's okay for me to talk about, Annie, you don't have to be sorry."

"But…what if you had died?"

"She didn't." Brittany said softly. "That's the important thing."

"But what if he comes back and finds you?"

"He's in jail now." I promised. "He has been since you were a baby.

"Was I alive when he hurt you?"

"You weren't. It was years before you were born, it just took me finding Mama again and you being born for me to be brave enough to try to bring him to justice."

"I just…I don't understand."

"We don't either, Bean." Brittany soothed, her voice a balm, I thought, to both Annie and myself. "But it was a long time ago, and Mami is doing well now."

"Does it still hurt?"

"It doesn't hurt on the outside any longer, but sometimes it still hurts on the inside."

"What can I do to help make it better?"

"_Mija_, you do so much to help make it better, you and your sister and your mom. I don't want you to ever feel like there's anything more you can do, and I don't want you to feel scared that something like this will ever happen again."

"But Mami, you're always in the magazines and the newspaper, everyone knows that you're a lesbian, and they know about Mama too because she's famous for her studio."

"We're proud of who we are, my love." Brittany told her. "We're never going to hide that because of people who have hate in their hearts."

"Mama's right, _mi amor._ That's what I've spent most of my adult life working toward, people being allowed to be who they are without judgment. You know that we always tell you in your sister to never let anyone make you feel less than the best."

"I know, but…" Tears fell from Annie's eyes and Brittany wrapped her arms around both of us.

"It's okay to feel afraid, but we're always going to protect you." I promised. "Things have changed a lot since I was hurt, things have gotten much better."

"I won't tell Baby Reese." Annie said solemnly. "I don't want her to be scared."

"Just like we're telling you when you're ready, we'll tell Marisa when she is."

"Okay, Mami." She sighed heavily. "I think I'm going to go in my room with Milky Way and think."

"Okay, _mija_." I smiled, thinking how special it was that she still turned to her stuffed unicorn for comfort. "We're here if you have any more questions."

"I love you Mami, and I love you too, Mama."

"We both love you very much." Brittany told Annie and I nodded. "Goodnight, my love."

Once we heard that Annie was settled in her room by the hall, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Annie was such an astute child and in some ways, telling her what had happened to me released a heavy burden. We'd still have Marisa to tell, although hopefully not for several years, but with Annie knowing, especially with the way she sometimes looked strangely at my scars, I felt surprisingly better and I laid my head on Brittany's chest.

"Are you okay, San?"

"I am." I nodded. "She knows."

"It makes me think of how you used to tell her all of your secrets when she was a baby. I think the blow was softer because somehow her mind knew it was coming."

"I still wonder if me doing that was healthy for her."

"We were young, Santana. Everything was so difficult when she was small and I really think that you being open with her at such a young age turned her into the compassionate girl that she is. She's amazing, our oldest."

"Our youngest is pretty amazing too."

"Oh, she is." Brittany laughed. "Speaking of, I can see the light from her bedroom."

"I'll go tell her. I want to just get up for a minute."

I kissed Brittany on the lips and then got up from our bed. When I got to Marisa's room, she was laying on her stomach reading as fast as she could. I gently sat down on the edge of her bed and stroked her hair, giving her a gentle warning that time was up. If she could, she'd stay up all night and read, and I loved to watch her interest flourish in imaginary worlds.

"Can I just finish this chapter, Mami?"

"_Amorcita_, it's already past when you should have been asleep. It looks like there won't be any school tomorrow though, so you'll have all day."

"Okay, but can I read all day tomorrow?"

"You can read for as long as you want tomorrow, maybe I'll build a fort with you and we can read together inside."

"Yes! That sounds like the best idea." She bounced up and down on the bed, reminding me of how young she still was. I hoped right then that I would be years before she asked about what happened to me, that she could stay innocent forever, since I'd already had to shatter some of Annie's perceptions of the world. "I love you, Mami."

"Goodnight, _mija_. I'll see you in the morning."

When I went back to the bedroom, Brittany was reading something on her phone but she tossed it to the side once I'd brushed my teeth and washed my face and climbed into bed. Like I loved to do, I rested my head on her chest and just listened to her heartbeat. She stroked my hair and leaned down every once in a while to kiss my temple, making me feel loved in the way she always did.

The next morning, we were right about the snow and school was cancelled. Rachel called me early on and asked if she and Finn could come over with Brice. Finn, having driven his truck all over the place in the Ohio snow so many years ago had no fear of driving in the snow and Annie was excited when we asked her if she wanted Brice to come by. He was still her best friend, even as they grew up going to separate schools, and since she was so shy and for the first year yet, Thoreau wasn't in her class, we tried to make play dates with he and Brice a reality as much as possible.

Because Finn and Rachel were coming over, I figured I ought to text Kurt as well, but because his daughter Kiara was only eighteen months old, he didn't feel like traipsing out in the snow. Single fatherhood suited him though, I loved watching him with Ki and was so glad he'd finally decided to adopt after a few short-term relationships didn't work out and Blaine had finally stopped calling him for good.

I had already built the fort I promised Marisa and was laying in it with her working my way through one of the dozens of LGBT history books that filled up our shelves when the doorbell rang. Marisa groaned, not wanting her reading silence broken by Brice, who she whined had cooties, and even Rachel and Finn who she loved. I kissed her head and slipped out of the tent, not caring that I hadn't changed out of my pajamas, and helped Annie open the door.

"Hi Aunt Rachel! Hi Uncle Finn!" Annie gave them hugs and I noticed that she squeezed Finn just a little longer than normal.

"Annie, you're never gonna believe this!" Brice bounced up and down on his toes. "We saw people walking on the Brooklyn Bridge! In the snow!"

"But it's so cold! Weren't they freezing?"

"I don't even know, but it looked like they were gonna get blown over into the water! Hi Aunt Santana! Hi Aunt Brittany! Where's Reese?"

"I'm reading!" Marisa called out from her fort. "So you can't be too loud!"

"Reading on a day off from school? Why don't you want to play?"

"She likes reading the most, Brice." Annie told him, grabbing his hand and dragging him off into the playroom where she had all of her art supplies set up. "Come on, I took out the pastels because I know you like to draw with them the best!"

"Hey." Finn ran his hands through his hair and helped Rachel out of her coat. "Thanks for having us over."

"Please." I laughed. "You know you're always welcome here. Rachel, you're dark tonight?"

"Everything's shut down." She shrugged, I knew she really needed a night off from the production of The King and I she was starring in.

"It's nice sometimes, isn't it?" Brittany tugged on the string of her pajama bottoms. "I couldn't think of anything I needed more than having a day off today."

"Is it still crazy there, Brittany?" Rachel asked.

"It is, Michelle has all of these expectations for how much more we should be doing, so I'm constantly running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I can't even tell you how many weekends I've had to go in."

"We need a vacation." Finn suggested, though we all knew that was impossible until Rachel was done with her stint.

"Uncle Finn, I'm trying to read." Marisa huffed.

"Come out and say hello, _mija_, then we'll go in the kitchen."

With a heavy sigh, Marisa came out of her fort still holding her book and she gave the obligatory hugs to Rachel and Finn before retreating back into her space. The four of us adults went into the kitchen and Brittany took out cheese and crackers while I made more coffee. Sitting there, I realized that it had been so long since we were all around our kitchen able that I couldn't remember the last time. Everything really had been undeniably busy and I couldn't help but dream on Finn's vacation idea. The seven of us had taken so many trips together in the past that I found myself wanting to be on the beach in Aruba with my wife, my girls and my best friends. Especially after the events of the previous night, I just wanted a break from the real world and knowing that it was all but impossible at the moment made the desire stronger.

"Santana, you're totally off somewhere in your head." Rachel nudged me.

"It's actually been a long twenty-four hours." I sighed. "Annie finally asked about what happened to me last night?"

"You mean—"

"Yeah." I nodded. "We told her."

"She went to her room right after we finished talking and she hasn't mentioned it yet this morning." Brittany added. "It's hard to tell how well she took it because sometimes she keeps things so close to herself."

"Maybe being around Brice today will help her." Rachel pulled her lip between her teeth.

"Are you okay if he knows?" I asked.

"If she tells him, we're okay with that." Finn nodded. "He's her confidante, we wouldn't want to take that away from her."

"I'm glad we're all in the same boat with this, I don't know how I'd feel if our families weren't so interconnected." Brittany looked between the rest of us at the table. "The fact that he's your son, Finn…"

"I don't want anyone thinking I'm some kind of hero, I wouldn't even have been there if it wasn't for Rachel."

"Finn, I'll always think of you as the one who saved me. But Rachel never gave up on me and Brittany brought me back. That's the kind of friendship I want for our kids."

"Annie and Brice certainly have it. And they always include Marisa when she wants to be part of it." Rachel noted. "It's good."

"It makes me a little sad that Ki is so much younger than all of the kids." Brittany considered. "Annie and Brice are so close in age, then Eden and Marisa and Kiara is so much younger than them. Time for you guys to have another baby?"

"I think it's more likely that you two would have another baby than us." Rachel laughed. "We talked about it a few years ago, but we're good with one. He can be a handful."

"Still?" I asked.

"He keeps getting in trouble in school, we're not really sure what to do about it." Finn looked at Rachel. "He's just a little hyper and we've had him tested and there's nothing clinical about it."

"Some kids are just like that." Brittany told them. "I was. I mean, not that my school career is the best model for a successful one…"

"Baby, you ended up being so amazing and so successful."

"I guess that's kind of my point. I was wild when I was in elementary school, then I was spacey in high school, it worked out and it'll work out for Brice."

"I hope you're right." Rachel sighed. "I thought it got easier when kids got older."

"Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems." I recited my mother's words of wisdom. "But he's still so good with Annie."

"If we could send Annie to school with him, we would." Finn laughed a little, though it was obvious that the whole situation had him concerned. "She's always had the most coming impact on him."

"That's just who she is." I nodded. "She calms me down every day, and she does the same for Marisa when she gets frustrated."

"Have you decided about the skipping a grade thing?" Rachel wondered aloud.

"We're letting her decide." Brittany spoke. "There's more to consider then just how smart she is and we want her to have a say."

Sometimes it was hard for me to extol the virtues of our girls when I knew that Finn and Rachel had such a difficult time with Brice, but we ended up talking about Marisa for a good while. I was always interested to hear other people's input, even though we would make the ultimate decision based on what Marisa wanted and Finn and Rachel were always good sounding boards.

They didn't end up staying as long as I expected, but I understood that Rachel wanted to have dinner with just her family on a rare night off. So we sent them on their way and Annie continued painting—writing stories and illustrating them had become her primary interest—and Marisa worked her way through half of a new book before Brittany and I had a roast chicken ready for dinner.

After dinner was done and cleaned up and we watched a movie, the girls took their turns getting ready for bed and then Brittany and I went to sit in Marisa's room with her for a little while. We figured it was as good of a time as any to talk to her about what we had been debating among ourselves for weeks and though she was mostly interested in finding out what happened next in her book, we made her put it down for a little while.

"Am I in trouble?" She asked, looking between Brittany and I. Sometimes it was hard to believe that she was only six, the wisdom that radiated from her was intense.

"Of course not, Ladybug." Brittany promised. "We just want to talk to you about something important."

"Okay. I'm going to snuggle when we do though."

"I think that's a really good idea." I laughed, watching Brittany open up her arm so she could cuddle into her. "We met with Mrs. Delis a few weeks ago when you had the half a day of school, remember?"

"Course I remember, we went to Max Brenner."

"How could I forget? Well, she said that you're doing very, very well in school."

"I can read the most books in my whole class!"

"That's what Mrs. Delis wanted to talk to us about." Brittany continued where I had started. "She thinks maybe it would be a good idea for you to go to third grade next year instead of second."

"Third grade? But you have to be eight to go to third grade!"

"Most of the time you do, but they can make exceptions if someone is doing enough work to go to third grade early." Brittany told her.

"You don't have to, _amorcita_, but we wanted to talk to you and see if that might be something you wanted to do."

"Does that mean I don't have to read my books in the hallway because no one is in my reading group?"

"It might mean that, yes." Brittany nodded.

"And I could still see my friends from first grade?"

"You definitely could." I promised. "We'll have lots of play dates."

"And then I could be closer to as big as Nee Nee."

"Well..." I started, but realized the explanation wasn't entirely necessary. "You'd definitely be a grade closer."

"Okay, I want to go to third grade instead of second."

"You're sure, Bug?"

"I'm sure, Mama. They read big books in third grade and I'm ready to read big books."

"That sounds perfect." I smiled. "We'll talk yo Mrs. Delis then and tell her you made your choice."

The thing about Marisa was that as much as she always wanted to be reading, once she started snuggling, it was impossible to get her unsnuggled. She didn't want us to leave, she wanted to stay curled up against Brittany holding my hand and it was always hard for us to argue. Finally though, she started to fall asleep and we each kissed her and then slipped out of her bed, pulling the blankets up to her chin.

Because we hadn't really checked in with how Annie was doing since the night before, I knew that saying goodnight to her would take longer than usual. When we went into her room, she was sitting with her knees pulled to her chest, Milky Way next to her and her journal spread out over her thighs. Brittany and I had decided journal writing might be good for her by the time she started writing in full sentences, and a few years later, she wrote every night before bed. I couldn't help but wonder if she had written anything about what we told her, but as we believed in privacy, I figured we'd never know, and that was okay.

"Hi sweetheart." Brittany spoke first and sat down at the edge of Annie's bed. "How are you doing?"

"I'm just thinking a lot, Mama. My head feels all full. I told Brice to be nice to Uncle Finn today, but I didn't tell him why."

"_Corazoncita_, you can talk to Brice about what we talked to you about if you want. We would just rather you didn't tell Marisa because she's still so little."

"I don't want Marisa to know." Annie shook her head vehemently. "That'll scare her."

"Did it scare you?" I asked, worrying the edge of my shirt between my fingers.

"It did. Mami, all the kids you work with are gay. What if someone hurts them?"

"That's what I'm trying to prevent,_ mija_. I want them to know they have a safe place if someone is threatening them."

"But I don't understand, was that man threatening you?"

"In very subtle ways." I nodded. "I didn't realize he knew I was a lesbian though."

"But everyone knows you're a lesbian."

"A long time ago, everyone didn't. I had to learn to be proud of who I was. Your Mama was always proud."

"I was scared sometimes too." Brittany admitted. "But it's different now. We want to raise you and your sister to always be proud of who you are, no matter what that is."

"I would never do something bad like that man."

"We know you wouldn't." I pulled Annie in for a hug. "You don't have to be afraid of that."

"Do you think he thought when he was a little boy that he would be like that?"

"I...don't know." I admitted. "But you have the very best heart."

"He's going to stay in jail forever, right?"

"That's what it looks like. Aunt Lizzie's boss Kate was the one who put him there and she makes sure he stays there."

"Okay." She sighed. "I hope he does."

"We hope that too." Brittany wrapped her arms around both of us. "But no matter what, Bean, you will be safe."

"Okay, Mama. Can you lay with me for a little bit?"

"Of course we can."

Brittany and I laid with Annie for a good while and then when she was finally asleep, we went into our room and started getting ready for bed. By the time I was done brushing my teeth and washing my face, Brittany was in bed and I curled up in her arms. It was still the safest place in the world to me and even talking about Ryan Davis had me a little anxious. I was still on my medication after so many years, but sometimes I just needed a little extra love to take the edge off.

"Did we do the right thing?" I asked Brittany, tucking my head into her neck.

"We always said we would be honest with them when the time came."

"I know, but Annie is still so young."

"She's growing up quickly." Brittany shook her head. "More difficult things are going to come up as they get older, like you told Rachel earlier, but I think we do a good job."

"You know, Britt, I wouldn't want to do this with anyone but you."

"Well you're stuck with me, babe, so that's a good thing."


	2. Chapter 2-Changes

As it turned out, Marisa skipping second grade was the best thing we could do for her. Once she started third grade, she no longer complained that her homework was too easy—though she still did exceptionally well—and the older kids in her class petted her and made her feel really special. Brittany and I also adored her teacher and though we were just two weeks into the year, it was shaping up really well for her.

The same couldn't be said for Annie. Her transition out of PS 41 and into middle school was rough. She had Thoreau in two of her classes, but the whole concept of switching and having different teachers who maybe understood her needs less than we would have liked was daunting. As a result, every day, she told us she had a stomachache and she begged to stay home. Though I wanted to let her, hating that my first baby was suffering, Brittany and I were in agreement that she had to go to school. Brittany promised that it would get better, we all knew it always did, but every day, Annie would come home and snuggle on the couch with me, on the verge of tears, and it broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

One afternoon, Kurt texted me that he wanted to stop over. Brittany was still at work, but I told him to come by. The girls were just finishing up their homework when he and Kiara showed up and I told them that they could wait to finish it so they could play with the baby. She was two by then, and just watching my big girls play with a little girl made my heart ache for the days they were small.

"Is everything okay?" I asked him, once the girls were sufficiently distracted.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just freaking out about this school thing."

"Kurt, it's September, you still have an entire year before she starts." I rolled my eyes a little.

"Do you not remember the preschool thing? She's been on eight wait lists since she was born and now we have to start going on interviews. How do they even interview a two-year-old?"

"Brittany and I took Annie on exactly one interview, if she didn't get into her school, I would have homeschooled her. You're overthinking it."

"I can't homeschool her, Santana. This will determine her entire future. How do I know if Grace Church or Little Red or any of these other schools is the right one? How do I prepare her?"

"Like I've been telling you since she was born and like I know you know, you let her be her. That's what they're looking for in interviews. She plays, you attempt to not name drop Rachel Berry, everyone wins."

"It would be easier if I had someone to go with me. Will you go?" His eyes widened and he looked desperate.

"I'm not sure bringing the lesbian aunt up the score, they only want parents there."

"I'm sure I could sub you in. Hey, you could pretend to be her mom."

"Oh yeah, we totally pass as a straight couple. That's a dumb idea."

"It's just harder than I expected to do certain things alone." He murmured. "The good stuff and the difficult stuff."

"You know you always have us, Kurt. Even if I can't be there at the interviews, I'll cheer you on."

"I know and I appreciate it, but like, calling you and Rachel when Ki took her first steps, said her first words, not the same."

"So you're lonely?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Kiara is the best thing that ever happened to me, I just wish she was the best thing that ever happened to someone else too."

"Then let me set you up. I know a ton of gay guys now, Britt and I will take Ki overnight, you do your thing."

"I don't know..."

"Da Da, up." Kiara toddled over and Kurt lifted her into his arms. I was obsessed with her little squeaky voice, her chubby cheeks and her baby giggles.

"Hi little miss thing." I cooed, reaching over to tickle Kiara's belly. "Were you playing with the big girls?"

"Look who's here!" Brittany walked into the living room, dropping her bag beside the couch just as I got Kiara into my arms.

"Mama! Isn't she so cute?" Marisa bounced on her toes excitedly as Brittany pulled our youngest daughter into her arms.

"She's very cute." Brittany laughed. "And it looks like Mami stole her, as usual."

"Babies love me, Britt."

Kurt hung out for a while longer and then he said it was close to time to get Kiara home for dinner so he packed her up and left. Because I'd been distracted by Kurt and hadn't thought to her dinner ready, Brittany called and ordered a pizza and a salad and the girls helped by setting the table.

"Mami, my stomach hurts." Annie complained after she finished her pizza. "Can I stay home from school tomorrow?"

"_Mija_." I sighed. "I think after a good night's sleep you'll feel much better. And tomorrow is your science fair."

"But I don't want to do the science fair. My project isn't good."

"Sweetheart." Brittany placed her hand on Annie's shoulder. "You did a great job and Mami and I will be there to see your work again."

"I wish I could come. I really like your project, Nee Nee."

"If my stomach still hurts in the morning can I stay home?"

"We'll see in the morning." I promised. "But why don't we all start cleaning up and getting ready for bed?"

The girls put their dishes in the dishwasher while I cleaned up the leftover pizza and took the box out to the recycling. I knew that the morning was going to be another rough situation, but Brittany and I were really trying to make the transition easier on Annie and we knew we were doing the right thing. While the girls got ready for bed and Brittany took a shower, I sat on my bed reading the article Brittany had sent me about stomachaches and anxiety in children and I took a deep breath.

"Are you okay, honey?" Brittany asked when she came out of the bathroom.

"Yeah, I just think we should talk to Dr. Kellen. I know it's probably anxiety, like we keep saying, but I just want to rule out something actually being wrong with Annie's stomach. I mean, I had an ulcer when I was fifteen, it's possible she has one."

"We can do that." Brittany kissed my forehead. "I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment."

Once the girls were settled in their respective rooms, Brittany and I went in to kiss them goodnight. Marisa was engrossed in her book, so we left her to it, but Annie was curled up on her bed with Milky Way—which she kept a secret from everyone but us—and we sat down on either side of her.

"Are you okay, baby girl?"

"I really don't like school, Mama. I wish I liked it like Baby Reese does but I don't like changing classes and I don't like Mr. Demas who calls on me when I don't have my hand up."

"I used to not like that either." Brittany told Annie as she took her glasses from her and placed them on the nightstand. "We can talk to him if you want."

"No, that'll make him mad. I just want to go back to my old school. I don't want to grow up."

"Growing up is hard, _mi amor_, but it's also really exciting."

"It doesn't feel exciting to me. It just feels scary."

"Sometimes the most exciting things are the scariest." I told her, though I wasn't sure it would help much.

"How about this weekend we do something special, just the four of us?" Brittany suggested, knowing that would be a good thing for Annie.

"Okay, Mama." She nodded, turning on to her side. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart."

"And I love you." I kissed her head. "Goodnight _mija_."

I felt a little guilty leaving Annie, since we still hadn't really helped with her feelings, but it was late and she needed to go to sleep. I went into the bathroom first and when I came out, Brittany was reading on her phone. I sank down onto the bed beside her and kissed her forehead, just wanting to be close to her.

"Seeing Kiara today really made me miss when the girls were little." I told Brittany. "She still smells like a baby and ugh, I couldn't get enough of cuddling her."

"I know. I love watching you with her. But...you have that look on your face."

"What look?"

"Like you want another baby." She said softly.

"What? Do you want another baby?"

"To be perfectly honest, baby, I don't. I love our girls and I loved them as babies, but were just at a point in our lives where things are—"

"Britt, I don't want another baby."

"You don't?" She raised an eyebrow and I shook my head.

"I really don't. It was a lot of work, especially with Marisa. I like having quiet nights with you and the girls. I like not waking up every hour to nurse or deal with teething. I love when Kurt brings Ki over, but then he takes her home and it's just our family. Our big girls."

"Oh thank God." Brittany laughed. "Because if you said you wanted one I probably would have caved."

"Nope, definitely don't. We have our hands full enough with Annie and Marisa." I rested my head on her shoulder and she ran her fingers through my hair. "We're in a good rhythm now with our jobs, I just think that I'd like things to stay as they are."

"Me too. I know you did a lot when the girls were little and I so appreciate that, I hope you know that."

"You've told me so many times." I smiled. "And I was glad to, I was the one with the flexible schedule."

"I know, but it still means a lot to me."

"What are we going to do about Annie, Britt?"

"I really don't know. She's so unhappy in school right now and I feel like there's nothing we can do."

"I'm worried about her stomach. I know we already talked about calling Dr. Kellen..."

"I know." Brittany sighed. "Sometimes I think it was easier when she was little and we could just gather her up in our arms and make it all better."

"It broke my heart when she said she didn't want to grow up. We knew the transition would be hard, but it really sucks. Should I be homeschooling her?"

"Santana, we both know that's not the answer. We haven't ever done anything that might hold her back and I don't think we should start now."

"You're right, I know. It's just hard when we don't have the answers."

"We've always figured it out though. As hard as things have been."

"I hope we do this time. Remember last year when Rachel joked about us putting Annie in Brice's school?"

"Even if we could afford that, they wouldn't be in the same grade and it would be another transition for her."

"No, I know." I laid my head against her. "I know."

"You're tired."

"I am. I was at my office until pickup time, I'm just ready for bed."

"Okay, honey. Let me wash up and then we'll go to bed."

Throughout that whole night, I slept restlessly. I felt like I hadn't had such a hard time sleeping as I had in the previous weeks since Annie was small. As she grew older, we had taken her out of occupational therapy, but we knew that transitions were still a mess for her. I couldn't help but toss and turn thinking about the challenges puberty would bring and then adulthood. I didn't care if she stayed with us forever, I just wanted her to be happy and seeing her so anxious was impossible.

"Good morning, _mija_." I sat down on the edge of Annie's bed after I'd told Marisa that she had to put her book in her backpack and start getting ready for school. "It's time to wake up."

"Don't wanna." She grumbled, rolling over into her back. "Is it Friday yet?"

"Two more days, _corazoncita_. C'mon, Mama's making pancakes."

Once I got Annie up, I went downstairs in my pajamas to find Brittany holding out a cup of coffee for me and Marisa sitting at the table chattering. I was happy to see that she was in a good mood because sometimes she could be a real bear in the morning and I knew that would set any off further.

"I just told Mama that today we're learning about tadpoles at school. And we get to have them in the classroom!"

"That's so exciting, _amorcita_." I kissed the top of her head. "You're really liking science the best, huh?"

"I still like reading the best, but maybe I want to read some science books."

"I'll tell you what, love." Brittany chimed in from the stove. "I know it's not our usual library day, but we can stop by after school because I'm coming with Mami and Annie to pick you up."

"Today's a great day!" Marisa cheered as Annie walked into the kitchen. "Nee Nee! Today's a great day."

"I love you, Baby Reese." Annie forced a smile and sat down on the other side of her sister. "Today is my science fair."

"I can't wait until I get to have a science fair! I'm gonna do a science project all about animals!"

Marisa's rapid fire conversation kept Annie sufficiently occupied through breakfast and Brittany kissed them both goodbye as I left with them for school. Annie was first to be dropped off and when we got outside of her building, she hugged me really tight and I thought she was going to cry. But I should have known her better, she was embarrassed to cry in front of anyone and so she lifted up her chin and then turned to see Thoreau standing right beside her.

"Hi Annie! Hi Baby Reese! Hi Santana!" He grinned widely, handing Annie a note as she handed him one back. They always wrote each other notes and I thought it was the sweetest thing.

"Short stuff, Annie, Marisa." Jarrod parred Marisa's head and put his hand on my shoulder. "Are you in your office today?"

"I'm not, I'm taking the day off. Why? Is something wrong?"

"Why do you always panic that something's wrong?" He rolled his eyes. "We're just going out of town on Friday and I wanted to do my weekly check in today."

"Walk with me to drop off Marisa and then we'll grab breakfast?"

"Sounds good to me. See ya later, Ro." He hugged his son. "I love you."

"Love you too!"

"Goodbye, _mija_." I put my hands on Annie's shoulder and looked her in the eyes. "I love you and I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay Mami, I love you. And I love you too, Baby Reese."

Jarrod walked with me to Marisa's school and then we had breakfast. I didn't have weekly check-ins with everyone that volunteered for me, but I always made sure Holly and Jarrod had a spot since they'd been with me from the beginning. Because I was eating lunch with Brittany, I just ordered a bagel and a fruit cup, but Jarrod formed through a massive stack of pancakes while he filled me in on his kids. All of us that worked in the program had our ups and downs, but he was having a down week, a kid outed at school, so I coached him through it, remembering firsthand what it felt like.

When we were finished, I hugged him goodbye and I went home to straighten up the house before I had to meet Brittany. If I thought the house got messy when they girls were little, it was nothing compared to what it was like as they got older and it took me almost two hours to organize the chaos and get things into their respective places. When I was done, I walked over to Britt's studio and said hello to the new receptionist before walking back to her office.

"Hey babe." Brittany grinned. "You're early."

"I know, if I'm interrupting I can go through emails in the lobby."

"Santana, do you really think I'd send you away? I'm just finishing payroll, hang out with me for like five minutes and we can go. Also, I called Dr. Kellen, Annie has an appointment next Tuesday."

"Oh awesome, thanks for doing that."

I sat across from Brittany's desk and watched her as she bit her lip and tapped at the keyboard. When she was done, she came around the desk and kissed me on the lips, letting me weave my fingers through her hair. I was so glad that we were still as in love as we always had been, that we were each other's rocks, each other's safe places. That's not to see we didn't ever struggle, we'd had arguments and makeups, but at the end of the day, she was my person, my one true love and I was so thankful to have her.

"You're in your head." She teased a little.

"I'm just thinking about us."

"Good thinking about us?"

"I don't think there's another way to think. We've made such a good team for so many years now and I still love you more every day."

"You're being really cute today, honey. But for the record, I feel exactly the same."

"I'm glad you could take a half day today so we could spend some time together, it's been crazy."

"I know." She kissed me again and offered me a hand up. "We're overdue for an alone weekend away. But I know now isn't the time."

"Until we get to the bottom of the Annie situation."

"Santana, can I ask you something?"

"Anything." I nodded as we walked out of the building and onto the street.

"I know when she was really little, we thought it might get easier when she got older. Now that she's older, I'm just wondering what you think will happen when she's out of school. Will college or a job be too much for her? Will she be able to fall in love?"

"I don't know what the future holds, baby, but I know she pushes to be her best every day. I think she'll do fine finding a place in the world. And I think someone will come along who loves her just as she is and will make her insanely happy."

"Good, that's what I think too. It's just...still a thing for me."

"I know. But she's thriving, even if right now there's a bump in the road. You've been the best mom in the world and I hate that you still get in your head about her coming early."

"It's hard not to sometimes. All I want is for our girls to be happy."

"Then we'll make sure they are." I smiled and squeezed her hand.

"You're such a good mom and such a good wife. You don't even know how lucky we are to have you."

"We're good together, Brittany. We were really young when we started this, and I know we've made mistakes, but we're good. Our girls are good. That's the most important thing."

We got to the diner—the same diner we'd been having breakfast and lunch dates at since before Annie was born—and we enjoyed sitting in each other's company. I knew that Brittany was sad, that sometimes she got these unshakable feelings about Annie and her own guilt, but I did my best to make her smile. When we were finished, we walked over to Annie's school. Even if Annie wasn't excited about the science fair, we were, since she'd painstakingly worked on her project for weeks, singing to plants to see if they would grow faster.

After we showed our IDs and signed in, we followed the signs for the gym. I could understand why Annie was so overwhelmed because it was packed with students and even though we were arriving early, parents began to flood into the room. We found her class' section and then saw her, standing with her hands crossed and looking down at the ground.

"Hi _mija_." I smiled at her and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

"Hi baby girl."

"Hi Mami, hi Mama. You're here."

"Of course we are." Brittany assured her. "You know we never miss anything for you."

"I know, but I didn't know if it would be different now that I'm in a new school."

"_Corazoncita_, that's never going to change. No matter how big you get, we're always going to be here for you."

"You promise?"

"I promise." I nodded. "And we're really proud of you for doing this project."

"Your board looks so great, sweetheart. Did you add more drawings to it?"

"I just wanted to make sure there were pictures of my plants when they were small." Annie blushed. "Because everyone can see how big they are now."

We knew that we couldn't stand with her the whole time, we had to leave her to allow other parents and the judges to check out her project. Hand in hand, Brittany and I walked around the gym, admiring the other projects and finally stopping in front of Thoreau. He had a big grin on his face as he showed us how his experiment about finding all of the colors in black had worked and we smiled back at him.

"Brittany, Santana, I don't think Annie likes this school so much." He whispered, looking around like he didn't want anyone to hear him. "She talks even less here then at our old school."

"It's just a little bit of an adjustment for her, bud." I told him as Brittany put her hand on his shoulder. "She'll get used to him."

"Maybe you should tell the principal that she should be in all my classes, then I could protect her."

"That's very sweet of you." Brittany smiled. "But she'll be okay, I promise."

"Okay, but if you don't want her to change her classes, I could tell my dads and they could change mine."

"I think it's important you both stay in the classes you're in. I know she's your best friend, but you both have to figure out middle school by yourselves. We're just very happy you have some classes together." I tapped his hand. "And we'll make sure you have lots of time to get together after school and on the weekends."

"Can I sleep over your house soon?"

"Yes." Brittany nodded, the two of us having already talked to Jarrod and Chris about how we were all okay with that continuing, especially since Thoreau usually slept on the Murphy bed in the office because they both liked their own space for bed. "Talk to Annie and we'll pick a night."

After talking to Thoreau, Brittany and I went to find seats for when they gave out awards and we walked Annie drag her feet as she walked to the front with her class. As much as I wanted her to win, to prove that her work was really good, part of me was nervous about how she would react if she did. Being on that stage in front of everyone would be terrifying for her and I hated to add more anxiety to her life. The judges announced the third and second place winners and I held my breath, not sure what to hope for.

"And our first prize winner is Annalise Lopez-Pierce."

I exhaled sharply and looked nervously at Brittany as Annie slowly stood up and smoothed out her t-shirt. She walked so slowly that you could barely tell that she was moving, but she carefully made her way up the stairs. Her face was all flushed when she got up there, but she managed a small smile and took the ribbon from her teacher. I wanted to go and gather her up in my arms and I'm sure Brittany was thinking the same thing, but we couldn't do that. We just had to watch as she rushed back to her seat and ducked her head.

Once it was all over, we found her and she was quiet as we gathered up her plants and she got her backpack. We walked out of the school and once we were far enough away, I noticed that she had her blue ribbon pinned to her shirt.

"I can't believe I won." She whispered. "I didn't know I was very smart."

"Oh, Annie, you're so smart." Brittany pulled her to her side. "Mami and I are so proud of you."

"I can't wait to show Baby Reese. She's going to be really excited."

"I'm sure she will." I ruffled her hair. "She loved watching you work on the project."

While Brittany went in to get Reese, Annie and I stood outside with the plants since we figured it might cause a commotion inside if we walked in with a flat of plants. Marisa was dancing through the door when they came out and I couldn't help but laugh at our youngest. Her book was tucked under her arm and she ran toward Annie, only stopping when she noticed she was holding plants and wearing a big ribbon.

"Nee Nee! Did you win the fair?"

"I did." Annie blushed again. "Do you like my ribbon?"

"Yes! I can't wait until I'm big like you and can get ribbons."

"I'll share with you, Baby Reese, you helped me sing to my plants."

"Really?" Marisa's eyes widened. "Awesome!"

We got the girls home and settled at the table with their homework and I went into the home office to check my emails and return a few phone calls. It was definitely overwhelming sometimes, how big Show Your Brave has gotten, but I loved every second of it and even if it meant I had to take a little bit of time away from my family, I did what I had to do. I ended up working until Brittany came in and told me that dinner was ready and when I came out, the girls were setting the table.

It was a nice quiet night at home and Annie seemed to be in good spirits after her day, so I was glad that we at least had a little reprieve from worrying about that. After some time reading for Marisa and drawing for Annie, it was time for them to start getting ready for bed. Marisa took her shower, then Annie, and Brittany and I kissed each of them goodnight before going to our bathroom to wash up.

"Tired?" Brittany asked, pulling her shirt over her head and unhooking her bra.

"A little, yeah. You can keep the light on if you want to read though."

"I don't, I just figured I'd talk to you for a little while if you weren't going right to sleep."

"I can stay up for a little while." I ran the sink and swallowed my pill. "I just didn't feel like starting a movie or something."

"Oh yeah, no, I'd be asleep by the time it was halfway over."

"I know." I walked out of the bathroom and crawled under the covers.

"Have you talked to your dad?"

"Yesterday. He still sounds a little off, but he says he's fine."

"Okay. We can go if you'd feel better seeing him. The girls have a long weekend coming up, we could fly out on Friday after school."

"Yeah, maybe. I guess I'll talk to my mom this week and see if she can tell me what's going on."

"He could just be tired." Brittany assured me gently, getting in bed beside me. "They're not getting younger, you know?"

"I hate thinking about that. I missed so much time with my dad when I was growing up and pretty much up until right before we got married. I just want to have all the time in the world with him."

"I know. But they're still talking about getting a place here they can stay in while they're visiting, that would make things better."

"It would." I nodded, laying my head on her chest. "They've been here so much recently."

"I'm sure my parents will be too, now that Liz is trying to get pregnant."

"I still can't believe little Lizzie is going to have a baby."

"Tell me about it." She laughed. "That's my baby sister. But are you okay about your dad?"

"Yeah, you're probably right, it's probably nothing and I'm just being dramatic."

"I didn't say you were being dramatic."

"No, I know." I shook my head. "I just take a couple of off phone calls and my head runs away with it. Maybe we should go, I don't know."

"It's up to you, honey. I love you and we'll do whatever makes you feel better."

"I love you too and thank you."


	3. Chapter 3-Surgery

As much as I tried to convince myself that everything was okay with my father, it wasn't. Not long after those concerning phone calls, my parents came to New York to tell us he had liver cancer. Brittany and I didn't want to upset the girls, so we kept it between us, even with me taking frequent trips to Ohio during the first eight months after his diagnosis. He had the best doctors he could find, but it turned out there was nothing to do but for him to get a liver transplant.

The problem was, getting a donor liver wasn't that simple. His age and his cancer were a major factor in his placement on the donor registry and I was constantly sick to my stomach thinking that he would die before they found a match for him. Then, I got tested. Papi didn't want me to, he was nervous about me having invasive surgery with a wife and two girls that needed me, but when it turned out that I was a match, I refused to let him keep me from donating part of my liver to him. Luckily, despite the years of drinking, mine was in good shape and it would give my father a second chance at life.

"Are you ready to talk to the girls?" Brittany brushed her hand over my shoulder as I sat on the edge of the couch thinking about how the girls had no idea yet that the trip we were going on to Ohio the next day was going to include surgeries for both me and my father.

"I'm so scared to tell them. They're both going to be upset and I'm terrified enough without worrying about them."

"I know, honey, but we both know we have to talk to them. We've waited so long."

"I just know Annie is going to worry. That's why I didn't want to tell her until right before it happened. But yeah, I'm ready."

I took deep breaths as Brittany called the girls downstairs from their bedrooms. We'd just finished celebrating their birthdays and I was sure the both suspected something was off with my father when my parents came for the party. He was going to get better, that was the thing I was glad I could assure them of. I knew that donating part of my liver would really knock me on my ass and I'd be in the hospital for at least a week and be off my feet for a few weeks or so. What the girls thought was just an extra long summer trip to Ohio was going to include a lot of recovery time for me.

"Mama, is this a serious talk?" Marisa asked, using her thumb to hold the page in her book.

"It is, Bug. Why don't you use your bookmark so we can talk for a little while?"

"Are you sick, Mami?" Annie looked at me, her brow furrowed in concern as Marias bookmarked her page.

"I'm not sick, mija, but your Abuelo is. He has cancer in his liver."

"Cancer?" Her eyes widened and Marisa dropped her book in the floor. "People die from cancer."

"I know." I nodded. "The cancer is in his liver and he needs to get a new liver. On Thursday, I'm going to give him part of mine."

"Are you going to die?" Tears sprung to Marisa's eyes and I gathered her up in my lap.

"Mami's going to be just fine." Brittany promised, though I was too scared to do so myself. "She's just going to spend some time in the hospital and then she's going to rest up at abuelitos' house."

"How long do you have to stay in the hospital?" Annie worried. "Can I sleep there with you?"

"Thank you for offering, corazoncita, but no one can sleep there with me. Mama will take you to visit me during the day, I made sure of that, but then she'll take you back to the house and spend the nights with you."

"Can we sleep in bed with you, Mama?" Marisa asked, always looking for a reason to be allowed.

"I think that would be good, little love. I'm sure I'll want some extra cuddles."

"This is going to help 'Buelo?" Annie bit her lip, eyes rimmed with tears.

"It is." I told her.

"Okay, Mami, then I know that you have to go."

"I do, but I'm very healthy and strong, so it's all going to be okay."

That night, I heard Annie crying herself to sleep and both she and Marisa ended up in our bed. I knew they'd both sleep in the car the next morning, so I didn't worry so much about them. It was Brittany I worried about, since she had to drive the next day, insisting I took the car ride to rest. But she kissed me and promised me she would be fine, soothing me to sleep some time after midnight.

The girls were groggy in the morning and grumbled their way into the back seat of the car. Brittany put her tea in her to go cup and I made my coffee, feeling a bundle of nerves ignite as I did. Knowing we were going to Ohio made everything all the more real and part of me wanted to cry. I knew the risks of invasive surgery, but I knew that this was something I needed to do for my father. Once Brittany and I were settled in the front seat, she took my hand and squeezed it hard and I knew she was feeling the anxiety I did.

The decision wasn't one I came to without talking to her. Our marriage didn't work like that and she offered me her full support when I told her I wanted to do it. She loved my father like her own and I knew that if the roles were reversed, she would be the one going under the knife. She would take care of the girls while I was hospitalized, she would make sure they knew I was okay, and for that I loved her more than I already did.

"How are you feeling?" She asked me once we were in Pennsylvania. The girls were still sleeping in the back, Annie with Milky Way hidden beneath the blanket so no one would know she brought him.

"Scared. I think...I'm scared about something happening to me in there, but I'm also scared that it won't work for Papi and I'm going to lose him."

"I know."

"What about you? How are you feeling?"

"I'm nervous, but I know you're in good hands. I'll be there right before you go out and right when you wake up, you know that, right."

"I do." I nodded and kissed the back of her hand.

"You're doing a good thing."

The girls woke up not long after and they entertained themselves with car games in the backseat while I stared out the window. I was really glad when we got to Lima and passed Burt's tire shop and I knew we were almost there. Brittany would go see her parents after my surgery the next day, but for the night, we'd be at my parents', just sort of communally preparing.

"Hi girls." My mother smiled softly when I opened the door and we came inside. "It's so good to see you. Look at my two big nietas."

"Hi 'Buela." Annie wrapped her arms around her tightly and then Marisa followed suit.

"Where's 'Buelo? Is he at the hospital?" Marisa furrowed her brow.

"He's not, he's just laying down for a little bit and then he'll be ready to come spend time with us. How about some cookies? I made your favorites, the ones with the M&Ms in them."

Marisa was swayed by the cookies but Annie shook her head and went to the living room to look at the pictures. She loved seeing everything my mother had displayed and Brittany nodded to me, telling me that she understood I needed to go in there and talk to her. I kissed Brittany's lips, grinned at Marisa with a giant cookie in her hands and slipped off into the other room.

"Hi mija." I put my hand on Annie's shoulder as she adjusted her glasses to see the picture of me holding her as a baby.

"Mami, I didn't want to tell you, but I'm scared."

"I know you are. Can I tell you something?"

"Uh huh."

"I'm scared too."

"But you're the bravest person in the whole world. You do superhero stuff every day." She sighed.

"I love that you think that, mi amor, and I'm trying to be brave right now. You know how much you love me?"

"So, so much."

"That's how much I love Abuelo. I would do anything to make him better."

"But what if it hurts you?"

"The doctors know what they're doing. I'm going to be in very good hands." I promised her.

"I'll feel better when it's done and you get to come back here."

"I know. And on Thursday Grammy and Poppy will try and help you not think about it. Then Mama will come bring you back here and tell you all about how it went."

"I'll be brave for Baby Reese."

"You don't have to do anything but feel how you feel. If you feel scared and want to cry that's okay. I don't want you to think you can't do that."

"But what if it scares her?"

"Then Grammy will help her with that. You're still a little girl, you don't have to do adult stuff."

"Okay, Mami." She nodded. "I brought Milky Way."

"I know, I saw."

"I know it's baby stuff, but he helps me feel better."

"Corazoncita, if he helps you, that's all that matters."

"I love you."

"I love you too, bebè."

My father slept through dinner and us putting the girls to bed next to ours. Once they were settled, Brittany and I came back downstairs to sit with my mother and then not long after, Papi came down. He looked old and sick and tired and it hurt my stomach just looking at him. All I could do was hope that a new liver would help him, that in a few months he would be back to his young, spry self. His cancer hadn't spread, that was the good thing, and if they could just get it under control, everything would be okay.

"Mija, Brittany. I'm so glad you're here."

"Hi Papi." I stood to hug him, careful putting my arms around his neck. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay. Hopefully I'll be better soon, I need many more years to run around with those girls of yours."

"They'll be glad to see you in the morning." Brittany smiled and took her turn hugging him.

"Sit, Papi. I'll get your dinner."

"Santana, stay." My mother stood. "I'll get it."

"Girls." Papi looked between the two of us as my mother went to the kitchen. "Are you sure you want to stick with the decision you made? Santana, I would never forgive myself if you were in danger."

"The risks are low." I shook my head. "If you wait for a donor liver...I can't lose you."

"None of us can." Brittany added, nodding somberly.

"The decision is made, Papi. We're doing this tomorrow."

After we sat with the parents for awhile, I was tired and Brittany and I went upstairs. Before we went into my old bedroom, we peeked into the guest room my parents had furnished for the girls and saw Annie and Marisa fast asleep. Milky Way's horn peeked our from under Annie's blanket and I smiled a little, thinking of all the hard times that little guy had gotten our daughter through. We both went over and kissed each of them and then went down the hall and washed up before getting into bed together.

"You're tired." Brittany held the side of my face and I nodded.

"Emotionally, I think. I just worry about you and the girls."

"We're going to be fine, I've already promised you that. It's just a week that you'll be in the hospital, then I'll take care of you."

"I'm sorry that this is what you're spending your time off doing."

"Santana, I love you and I love your father, I wouldn't be anywhere else."

"I just want it to be over so I can stop worrying about it. It's all I think about. I'm obsessed with what happens if I die. I went over our will so many times last week, I just want to make sure you and the girls have what you need."

"Santana..."

"I'm just being practical, B. Things happen."

"I know." She sighed. "I know. But you're going to be okay. You're so good, sweetheart, so, so good."

"We had a complicated relationship when I was growing up. Papi worked so hard and we didn't understand each other, especially when I got a little older. I wish I could have all of the time I pushed him away now. He did the best he knew how and I know how much he loves me."

"You're going to have so much more time with him. He's not going anywhere."

"I love you for reassuring me tonight, I really need that."

"I know, and I'm here."

The next morning was weird. I spent as much time with the girls as I could and then went with Brittany to drop them off at her parents' house. I hugged and kissed them goodbye for as long as I could and soothed away the tears that Annie tried to hold back. As much as I wished Brittany could stay at the hospital with me that night, I was glad she'd be there got Annie and Marisa instead. I'd be zonked, but the girls really needed her and I knew how much she'd comfort them as I slept through my recovery.

The car was silent as my mother drove me, Brittany and my father to the hospital. There wasn't much to say, we'd all been talking our heads off about it in the days and weeks leading up to it and either it would work or it wouldn't for Papi. What was the hardest was knowing that I wouldn't be able to see him for days after we went into the operating rooms, not until I was discharged and could go up to ICU.

"Mija, I love you." My father hugged me in the hallway of the hospital the next morning. "Thank you."

"Of course, Papi. I love you too."

Brittany walked with me down to pre-op and she held my face in the hallway outside the door. I kissed her for a long time, my nerves bubbling all over the place as we said goodbye. I'd see her when I woke up, but just in case, I wanted to savor that last moment with her as long as I could.

"You're going to do great, sweetheart." She promised me, kissing my forehead. "And I'll be right there when you wake up."

"I love you, Britt. I know you know that, but..."

"I know, and I love you too."

After I kissed her one last time, I was alone in pre-op with the nurses who seemed to hush over me for doing what I was doing for my father. I didn't want praise, I just wanted him to be okay and for that I would do anything. Once I was prepped, I was brought into the OR and I barely got past nine before I was out cold on the table.

When I woke up, I was in the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life, childbirth included. I couldn't help but scream out, with everything all blurry and a million panicked thoughts running through my head. I felt like I was being clawed from the inside out and I needed someone to fix that. Even catching sight of Brittany didn't help and I sobbed as she held my hand.

"Help me, Britt, help me. I feel like I'm going to die."

"I pushed the button, honey, the nurse will be in soon."

"Get her here now, please. It hurts so bad."

I blacked out from the pain and when I came too again, it was much less severe then it had been. Brittany still sat at my bedside, flipping through a magazine that she closed quickly when she saw I was awake. I tried to manage a smile for her but I couldn't, and she gave me one anyway, leaving over to kiss my head.

"How's Papi?" I rasped, my throat sore from the tube that had been down it.

"They just finished his surgery, we should know soon. How are you feeling?"

"Sore, tired. I just want to sleep forever."

"Go back to sleep, babe. I'll still be here when you get up."

I wasn't sure how long I slept but when I woke up again, the nurses were getting ready to bring me up to my room. When the wheeled me, I caught sight of a window and saw that the sun was already going down. I'd been in surgery and recovery all day and soon, Brittany would have to leave. The night before was hard enough, when I'd slept alone fearing that something would go wrong with the surgery, but that night would be even worse, feeling the effects of it.

As much as I didn't want her to leave, as soon as she got the word from my mother that Papi was doing well, I urged her to go get the girls. I knew Annie especially wasn't going to be calm unless Brittany was there and I wanted my daughter to be as okay as she could be.

I slept for the better part of three days and then on the fourth day, Brittany asked me if I would be up for seeing the girls. It was crazy how much I missed them, I'd never spent that much time apart from them in their whole lives. I was a little worried that seeing me hooked up to all kinds of wires would freak them out, but Brittany assured me that she'd explained everything to them and they were just anxious to see me.

"Mami?" Annie peeked in the door, reminding me so much of how she was right after Marisa was born. "Can we come in?"

"Of course you can, mija. Come here."

"Baby Reese, I'll hold your hand." She offered as Marisa's tumbled head appeared in the doorway.

"It's okay, bebés, I'm okay."

"Go ahead, girls." Brittany encouraged them. "I'm right behind you."

Marisa came first, always willing to shield Annie from something that made her uncomfortable, and I was able to lean a little to kiss her head at my bedside. Annie cane next and she carefully picked up my hand, nervous about the IV that was attached to it. I squeezed hers and she smiled a little, trepidation slowly fading away.

"Does it hurt a lot?" Marisa asked, staring wide eyed at the machines.

"I'm on medication that makes it not feel so bad." I admitted, though I'd wished I didn't need it, wished I could handle pain like what I was experiencing completely sober. "Tell me everything you've done while I've been in here."

"I read four books! And Annie wrote so much stuff in her journal, I peeked."

"Marisa." I shook my head. "You know journals are private."

"I didn't read anything, I just kept seeing her turn the pages and wanted to see how many she wrote."

"It's okay, Mami, she's my sister. And I mostly just wrote about how much I miss you."

"It'll just be a few more days and then I'll be back at Abuela's."

"What about 'Buelo? Will he be home soon too?" Annie asked. "Mama said we can't see him."

"He'll be in here a little longer than me, but he'll be so excited to see you both when he gets home."

"Is his cancer better?" Marisa scrunched up her nose, indicating that she still was a little uncertain about how everything worked.

"We hope so. It'll take a little while before we find out."

The girls stayed for a while longer and then when Brittany knew I was getting tired, she started getting them ready to go back to her parents'. I hugged them the best that I could and promised them they could come see me the next day. Annie had a hard time leaving, but I whispered in her ear that I was going to be okay and she nodded, holding back tears.

By the time I had been in the hospital for nine days, I started to get anxious to leave. The physical therapist had me walking around every day and I felt like I was ready to be discharged. I wanted to see Papi, I wanted to be with Brittany and the girls and I just wanted to sleep without constant lights and beeping of machines. Luckily, the on-call doctor told me I was ready and as soon as he discharged me, Brittany helped me get up to the ICU before we went back to my parents'.

"Santana." Papi smiled from his bed when I walked into the room and my mother stood up, giving me her seat at his bedside. "Are you leaving the hospital?"

"I am. But I wanted to see you first. How are you feeling?"

"I think I'm feeling okay, the doctors say the cancer is gone, so as long as there's no rejection of the liver, I've got a new lease on life, thanks to you. You look good, mija."

"I still feel so tired, but it was all worth it."

"I'm so lucky to have you as my daughter, Santanita. Te amo mucho."

"I love you too, Papi."

I didn't stay long in his room, Brittany knew j really needed to get home to bed before my last dose of painkillers kicked in and I was anxious to settle in. She was going to take me back to my parents', then pick up my prescriptions and the girls. We'd had a long talk about the painkillers and I'd asked her up be in charge of them. My urges weren't what they used to be, but still, I didn't want to slip back into old habits and I knew that Brittany having control would be the safest way. Luckily, she was willing to do that, luckily she always supported me and I was forever grateful.

Brittany helped me settle into bed in my old bedroom and I slept for awhile before the girls got back and came up. I encouraged them to get up in bed with me, Brittany reminding them that I was still sensitive and in pain, and I held both of their hands, happy I wouldn't have to sleep another night not in the house with them. They both ended up falling asleep, tired from the long morning they'd had with Susan and I loved that even though they were both growing so fast, sometimes they just needed to nap in bed with me. I knew it wouldn't be that way forever, that Annie was already going into her second year of middle school, but I'd take it as long as I could get it.

"Everyone's settled into bed." Brittany told me later that night as she came up into the room. "Even your mother, she's exhausted from all the running back and forth to the hospital."

"All of this just reminds me that our parents aren't getting any younger."

"I know." She nodded, carefully getting in bed next to me. "It's scary."

"You never really think about it when you're young, you know? You just assume your parents are always going to be there."

"I just...honestly don't know what I would do without them."

"Neither do I. I just like, I don't know, is it selfish that we live so far away?" I bit my lip, tears welling in my eyes.

"No, I don't think so. We built a life in New York, there are things we can't just walk away from. We see them as much as we possibly can and when it gets to the point where they can't travel anymore, we'll spend time here."

"Okay. This whole thing just has me shaken up."

"I think the exhaustion your medication is causing it to be even worse."

"Britt, I really wish I could have done it without the painkillers."

"Honey." She kissed me on the forehead and took my hand. "You has a major surgery, you need them."

"I know, but it's just like...I haven't touched anything for over a decade. It feels like a little bit of a failure."

"Taking something that the doctor prescribed you as directed and abusing narcotics and alcohol are two different things."

"You really believe that?"

"Yes, I do. You're so brave and so strong, I'm in awe of you every single day. I wouldn't want you to be in agony, especially after you did something so heroic."

"It's not heroic, anyone would do it."

"But anyone didn't do it, you did. Babe, do you feel like you need to go to a meeting tomorrow? I'll drive you if you do."

"No, I don't know. I feel bad calling Rosa, she's getting up there too and it just feels like a lot, dumping everything on her."

"She's your friend and your support system, If you need her, she'll talk to you."

"I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning. Right now I just want to be with you."

"Mama? Mami?" Annie came to the door, stepping inside the bedroom. "I got really worried."

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Brittany asked.

"I don't know, I just felt like I had a stomachache again even though I know Mami is out of the hospital. I wanted to see her."

"I'm right here, mija, come sit." I patted the bed beside me and Annie crept over, sinking down.

"Does this hurt you?"

"No, I'm okay. Tell us what's bothering you."

"I just keep thinking about what if they made a mistake and you start bleeding from your insides. You're not at the hospital anymore so they can't help you fast."

"Mi amor, that's why they kept me at the hospital so long, to make sure that didn't happen. They checked me out good before I left and everything went just fine."

"You're sure?"

"I'm really sure."

"Nee Nee?" Marisa called out from the hallway and Brittany and I had to laugh a little. "Where are you?"

"She's in here, little love." Brittany got up from the bed and went to go gather our youngest up. "But Abuela is sleeping."

"Can we sleep in here?" Marisa's eyebrows shot up as she climbed carefully up onto the bed.

"We can't, Baby Reese, Mami has her stitches."

"How about I go get the air mattress from downstairs and you can share it on the floor?" Brittany suggested, knowing that I would approve of the idea. "We'll have a little slumber party."

While Brittany went downstairs, the girls curled up beside me. It felt so good to have them close to me that I smiled to myself and stroked their heads. Annie pushed her glasses up on her nose and looked at my face, smiling back at me. Marisa had her eyes closed and was just tucked into my side, causing me some pain, but I didn't want to push her away. When Brittany came back with the mattress, both girls got down from the bed and help her set it up. I was half asleep by the time they were done and tucked in, and Brittany came back up into the bed and kissed my lips.

"Goodnight baby, I love you."

"Goodnight Britt, I love you too. Goodnight girls."

"Goodnight Mami, goodnight Mama." The girls said in unison and I drifted off to sleep.


End file.
